apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
