I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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