i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
