id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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