I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
