I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
