I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
