Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
