I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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