omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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