I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
