I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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