Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
