I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
