I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
