And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
