I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
