White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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