When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
