dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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