I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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