I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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