My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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