help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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