and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
