Me too!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
