Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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