If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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