they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
