what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
