I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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