I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
