I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
