hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
