She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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