That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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