look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
