That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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