12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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