she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
