i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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