He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I pour the whiskey from now on
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
