remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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