You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
