atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just had sex on a roof
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
