Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
