We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dating After Heartbreak
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.