I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
