I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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