Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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