Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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