Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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