Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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