I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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