How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
