I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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