I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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