so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
