Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
