Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm like, not good at living.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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