i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
