did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
