I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
