Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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